The Catalog Dump

Being sick has its advantages and disadvantages. Mostly disadvantages, but you do have the advantage of extra time on your hands. Other people are not enthusiastic about you coughing and blowing in their presence—so you get to stay home. The main thing to look forward to each day is the mailman’s arrival with the latest load of bills, junk mail, and catalogs—lots and lots of catalogs.

Recently twelve catalogs arrived in one load of mail. My name must be on every mailing list of purveyors of household goods and clothes in the country.  How did I get so fortunate?  I used to get a semi-annual catalog from JC Penney and Sears and that was about it. I really looked forward to the annual Wish Book. I guess that where it all started.  And the internet has only made it worse. Order anything online and everybody sees what a sucker you are for a catalog. 

 Actually I cut my teeth on catalog shopping. When I was growing up our family did not physically shop for anything other than food and drugstore items. Everything else came from the Montgomery Ward catalog.  That catalog was dog eared with all the items on my wish list. Times were much simpler and our finances much leaner so clothes, household goods, and an occasional treat were the only items we ordered.

I sorted through the recent pile of catalogs and found some amusing items that I will never order, but are available for the discerning man or woman who already has everything.

·         Road Mice-a computer mouse shaped like a Mercedes Benz.

      ·         A battery operated spinning spaghetti fork.
      ·         A “life jewel” bracelet that holds your dog’s DNA.
      ·         A remote controlled 6” tarantula.
      ·         The iPAD commode caddy (replaces your basket of bathroom magazines & holds the toilet
             paper roll in one convenient spot).

 What I really need to be able to order from a catalog is the following:

·         A battery operated computer nerd that will be there 24/7/365 to fix all my computer problems.

      ·         The answer man portable device that will teach me all about social media.
      ·         A robot chef to explore my pantry and freezer and tell me what to fix for supper.
      ·         A voice activated closet valet that will transition my closet from summer to winter.
      ·         A pop-up idea box that will generate new ideas for future blog posts.

While my body languishes, the mind is in over drive.  I need a distraction. Home Shopping Network here I come.